inhale

every day when I get home the first thing I trip over is my cat sleeping in the most uncomfortable position, lying like a beaten child across the floor right at the foot of our door. I get so mad; he could be in my room, in his own bed that we bought just for his own comfort and laziness but no. and the first thing my mom tells me is “he’s been sleeping there all day.” he waits for me and my brother every single day he finds us gone in the morning. it amazes me, and it touches me, that something this little can mean so much. I come home to someone, something, a small heart needing me back in their life again. it could be for food, or a hand to scratch and bite on for all I know, but at least it’s something. & if I’m imagining it to be more than what it actually is, I don’t mind believing in a lie for now.

as long as i keep repeating this in my head, i think eventually it will become reality.

today i heard a thing or two about forgiveness. your sin, your problem. but if you seek for forgiveness and you are not forgiven, it’s not your burden anymore; it’s the other person’s burden.

there are only a few teachers that have impacted my life outside of school, and even though i’ve told dr. baker about how greatly he intimidates me, i hope i can also tell him how much he’s inspired me.

I feel incredibly ugly, inside and out. I’m not good enough. Everything I do is a mistake, everything I do is completely wrong. Why couldn’t I have been born as someone else? Why do I feel like shit all of a sudden, what happened to all that good self-esteem I thought I had.

don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go. don’t let go.

then give me the reason why I do anyways.

I was laughing in the shower today. I was thinking of silly memories that I hadn’t thought of in a long while. It was nice, and surprising. I haven’t caught myself laughing or smiling so happily in weeks.

A million needles rapture through my skin and into my heart. Protected by bones, but still keep the spindly, precise little shards away. They knew exactly where to pierce through, exactly where it would hurt me the most. With every single word I read of yours I stagger to my knees, trying to catch whatever air is left inside of me. My heart is beating slowly, everything hazy, and all the dreams & desires are slipping away.

I hide my face and my eyes start to swell. My mind suddenly pauses for a moment and I realize that I’ll be okay. I take back all the tears and the sniffles and sit there, lost in this dark room.