There is no more warning. There is no more mental protection from stopping myself from the urge to never open my eyes again. All my life I’ve always struggled with self worth. The thoughts would come as “What if I just swerved into the median? Into the oncoming traffic? What if I just opened the drawer and held the knife in my hand. Walked over to the railroad tracks and just sat there until it the next train made its way here. What if I just.” I feel every self-inflicted scar and think of how easy it was to cut that deep, and how much easier it gets to cut deeper.

There is no more what if’s, there’s just do. I find calmness when I think of it. It’s a euphoric feeling. Everything melts away from knowing that if I just did it, that would be the end of all this. No one would have to take care of me. No one would get to touch me again. No one would leave me anymore. Not understand me. Not forget about me. Not give me another chance. No more anxiety, no more excruciating thoughts. Nothing. Nothing sounds like a best wish come true.

How did this happen? How did I let myself for so many years ignore the cruel people and places shaving off a piece of my existence day by day. I was so obsessed with finding the good in everyone that I was numb to its detriment.